Results and Moving Forward

Well, I went to the doctors, and met with my neurologist, and I have debated about putting my results up here for the world to see. I usually use this spot to write down what is going through my head, and although I am honest with my feelings, this is an area that I am still a bit leery talking about. Mainly because some of the people that read this blog are people who do care about me, and they know I write what I think. Part of me wants to insulate those who do care deeply about me from worrying, or thinking about how I am doing when they have their own lives and issues to worry about. For all intents and purposes I have told all those around me that I will be fine, that what is inside my brain is no big deal, and that there is nothing to worry about. In fact, I can convince myself of this if I say it enough, which is why I have been talking about it with friends and family for a while, and letting them know that I will be O.K.

The reality is a bit different that I have lead others to believe, but I think I did the right thing in terms of telling people that I will be all right. Now, those who do read my blog will find out something a bit more than I have lead on, but that is all right. I think it is something that I have to write just for my own sanity, and to help wrap my hands around this issue.

The synopsis of my meeting with my neurologist was not all that good, but I do think it is manageable. I have a very large cyst on my brain which is really not an issue, and something that I have had most likely since birth. I was dropped on my head by a doctor when I was one day old, and the cyst could have formed then. I was also in a horrific car accident when I was 18 years old, and that could have been the cause of the cyst as well. The cyst is about the size of my cerebellum, and it is directly below it. It is roughly a 2" by 4" void in the bottom section of my brain which is now filled with cerebrospinal fluid (CSF). It is not causing me any pain, does not effect my brain function at all, and it is not of a worry to the doctors, but that is not what the issue is.

I also have 2 masses on my brain which they are not sure of right now. One is at the V1-V3 location on my brain stem which is causing the facial numbness. The other is inside my left hemisphere which they are really not concerned about right now, but it is bothersome to have these 2 areas of abnormalities or lesions. There are a few different opinions as to what it currently is, and there is no definitive diagnosis as of this time. One of the possibilities is that I had a minor stroke, or a "mini stroke" wich is also known as a TIA. The other possibilities are MS, Lupus (both are diseases where the bodies immune system attacks the brain and neuro-fibers) or cancer. There is a high probability that I have had a TIA, and a low probability of the other three. If it is cancer, it is not good because the other spot inside my brain would mean that it has metastasized already. If it is Lupus or MS, the prognosis is better, but it will be a life long battle with the disease, and I will be on special medication for the rest of my life. This leaves TIA as the best case scenario, but even that one is a bit frightening to me.

10% of patients who have a TIA also have a major stroke within 3 months. Through lower cholesterol diets, getting blood pressure under control, this can be reduced to 2%. I have always been borderline high in my blood pressure and cholesterol levels. My blood pressure has been anywhere from 130/90 to 165/100. My cholesterol levels were around 225 total and that is in the borderline high location. With my age being 38, I should not have a TIA with these levels, but there also could have been other mitigating factors which may have contributed to it. I came down with a bad cold, and this could have elevated my blood pressure high enough to cause the TIA. As of right now, they are not sure even if it is a TIA, so I am just conjecturing what may have caused it. In any case, I have more tests to go through, and I will not have a definitive answer until at least September 4th when I see my neurologist again. I have to go through a EEG and bubble study, and I also need to get my cholesterol checked after fasting for 12 hours. This will give a better idea as to what the issue is, whether it was a TIA, or if it is something else. So here I am waiting for the results yet again, but at least I have some answers.

I put up a quote on my facebook page the other day asking people to tell what they remember of me, and to let me know of any stories they remember when they think of me. It was my own way of letting myself know that I have already lived a fruitful life, and I have done some amazing things I am proud of. I am by nowhere near ready to cash in my chips, and it is the last thing I want to do, but in the same breath I am preparing myself for the worse possible outcome, and coming to grips that my life on this earth may be short. Being a person who doesn't believe in the afterlife means that I need to come to grips with everything and process the information that I currently have with the thought that everything may be over soon. I don't want for that to happen, but it is a possibility, and it is something that I need to come to grips with. I was once a smoker, and I no longer have been smoking for almost a year, I do exercise a lot, but since this has happened, I have been exercising less frequently because of a lack of energy, and a numb leg. I need to suffer through it in order to get well again. My diet has changed drastically from what it once was, and I have been eating a lot healthier, with low cholesterol foods. I am taking the necessary precautions not just because of this issue, but because I want to live a healthy life and lifestyle.

So what does all of this mean? Honestly, I have no idea. As I mentioned before I am still processing information, and trying to come to grips with this. Hopefully it is nothing major, and I will live to 150 years old as I planned, with my brain transplant going into an 18year old version of myself grown in a petri-dish through cloning. That is what I think is going to happen in the future, and it is my plan for immortality. In other words, I am going to continue to live my life, to stop and smell the roses when ever I get the chance, and take everything in stride. I am not going to let it effect the way I approach life itself, but in the same breath, I would be lying if I said it is not effecting me both mentally and emotionally. It is human nature to worry about what was told to me, but I try not to worry. Instead, it is consuming a lot of my thoughts lately, and what will become of me. Will I ever have the children I want in life? Will I ever have the house with the farmers porch? Will I ever be married and have a family? Or is this the beginning of the end of the road for me. I have lived a great life so far, one that I could write a 1000 page novel about, but I also want to continue to live this great life. Things are not in my control now, so I am going to not worry about it, but in the same breath it does consume a lot of my thoughts and what is going on in my brain right now.

Peace Out,
Michael