Dating, Bad Advice and What People Do

Well, I was browsing the internet earlier tonight, and I came across an advice column from AskMen.com written by some self proclaimed "Dr. Love". There was a question posed by a man who was asking how to go about building a quality relationship with a quality woman. He talks about how he dates often, and when finding a quality woman, he doesn't want to prescribe to the dating games that he professes. The advice given him was by FAR the absolute worst advice I have ever read on any self help website. Heck, you could tell a person who wants to commit suicide that calls a suicide hotline they didn't have the balls to go through with it, and it wouldn't have been as bad as the advice he was given. Here is the question and the answer given. . .

http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove_400/453_relationship_expert.html

Hey Doc,

I’d like some advice on a problem I don’t see addressed anywhere, and that none of my buddies can help me with: How do you start a relationship with a woman that’s based on mutual respect and support?

Most guys get nowhere with women and only think about getting them into bed as quickly and as frequently as possible. I used to be one of those guys. I’ve learned a lot through websites like yours (your stuff really works!), and now I’m in the fortunate situation of knowing how to get a woman to want me. I have my little patterns and routines, which set up a dynamic where I’m the target and she’s the hunter; I’m the boss and she tries to make me happy. This is perfect when we both just want something casual and briefly satisfying, but in the long term, these relationships don’t cut it at all.

I never feel comfortable in these relationships, and I don’t take them seriously. I can’t have a lot of respect for a woman who needs me to be a jerk to keep her interested. In a serious, long-term relationship I want personal growth. I want equality, not dominance. I want real love from her, not mere dizzy obedience. In a long-term partner, I want a woman who demands respect, who has her own opinions, goals and ideals. I want a woman who wants to be an equal partner with me, who will support me in everything I do and receive the same in return from me. I enjoy life most when it’s the two of us working together, focusing our energies on improving both our lives instead of me expending energy keeping her uncomfortable and her expending energy trying to keep me happy.

Now, when I meet a woman good enough to fit this category (it happens maybe once a year), I don’t want to play my regular game on her because if she’s the woman I’m looking for, it will set up the wrong kind of relationship. So, I don’t do that and I find myself in the unusual position of not knowing how to proceed with her, and I always fail. Is there anything I can do to start a relationship the way I want it to continue? Thanks.

Mel - who’s more and more frustrated

What you see in Mel's question is something that you see in many men as the mature in life and actually start to understand what life is all about. Men, in their 20's, who are single, usually are more concerned about the number of women they sleep with, and how hot a woman is. That is just the way 20 somethings are in this world, and it leads to a lot of hurt, and mistrust of males by females in their lives. It is one of the reasons males have a bad rap in life, and why some of us have a bad name in the dating world. Well, at some point, a lot of people decide that they actually want more in life, that they want to have a family, they are sick of the games in life, and want something more meaningful than a notch on a head post.

This is where Mel is in life, and he is asking how to go about a "normal" or a "real" relationship. I use the words normal and real because the other relationships he was in are not "real" they are relationships based on deception, and games or in other words, they lack a solid foundation to build a relationship on. He is recognizing this, and he is coming to the rationalization through maturity, that he needs to change his ways in order to get what he wants in life. The advice given by "Dr. Love" is just downright horrid advice, and is bound to lead to a path of failure without a chance in hell to be healthy and great. He basically tells the man that in order to have a real lasting relationship, he needs to follow his guide (also buy it if he hasn't already, which should be your first clue to his BS) and to make the woman chase him. He suggests that he is doing everything right, even though he completely ignores what Mel rationalized in his question, that anything based on his advice is bogus.

The reason is this, and as you read his advice, you will see. . .relationships are built on trust, mutual respect and honesty/communication. Those are the three things needed at the roots of any relationship in order for the tree to grow. When you prescribe to playing relationships as a game, you automatically remove all three things needed to start a great relationship.

Here is the breakdown of why prescribing to some set game or rule in any relationship is bound to fail. First, when you prescribe to some game you are not being honest with yourself, let alone your partner. You may "want" to do something, but you do not because some rule doesn't allow you to. If you are not honest with yourself, there is no way you can be honest with your partner. You NEED to be honest with your own feelings and emotions before you can be honest with anyone else. If you are not honest with yourself, and understand both what you feel, and why you feel the things you do, there is no possible way to relate this to someone else. The second thing you lack is respect for your partner when you are prescribing to some set of rules. Yes, you will not and do not respect the person, because you are basically telling both yourself and them that they are not smart enough to understand they are being played. Is this the type of person you really want to settle down with in life? Someone who is naive and ignorant to societal norms and doesn't understand when they are being lied to? Finally, the trust needed to solidify a relationship is not there. You are not trusting of your partner, because if you were, you would not have to follow the rules or the game. You don't trust yourself because you are not being yourself in the relationship, in other words, there is no trust anywhere in the relationship. Is this the advice you really want to give to someone who is looking for someone special?

Now, if you do want to have a successful and lasting relationship, you can take the rules of Dr. Love and throw them out the window. You can forget everything you learned about how to play women, and instead look towards yourself for improvement. Do things to change your life, and to make sure that you are in the best possible position in mind, body and soul to meet someone. Be available to fall in love, and cherish it, don't run away from it. Don't shy away from life, and stop with the "wait three days to call, and make her chase you" nonsense. Embrace life itself, and take it head on. Look for someone who is at the same place in life, and ready for a great relationship. Once you find a person who is in the same place, and if there is mutual attraction, start to build the foundation of a great relationship. Do thinks that make her feel special in life, and never stop doing them. Make her feel great about herself, and make her feel special in life. These are the things you need to do in life in order to have a great relationship and a great life together. Once you realize this, and stop prescribing to the horrid advice on sites such as AskMen, you will find what you are looking for :)