When what could have been becomes what could be. . .

Sometimes you can look back on your life and see you had something great, but you did what you could do to destroy it, because of your own hangups and inadequate feelings. Then, one day, you finally come to grips with your own actions and emotions. You realize it was you who messed up. Yes, I have done this before, and sometimes it is painful to feel, but it is also baptizing the soul of life. . . I was thinking of that this morning on my way to work. It is one of those things that consumes my thoughts every once in a while, as I look back and try to improve myself in life. I have made some pretty bad mistakes in life, and I have hurt a lot of people along the way. There are many MANY things I have done which I am not proud of, but I have to accept the fact that I did them. It is how I learn not to do them again, how I grow as a man and a contributing member to society. Well, as I am currently getting in touch with my past, I am also reflecting on the man I became, and how I am very proud of who I am as a person. I often contemplate on where I would be now if I didn't chose this path in my life, or if I met this or that person at a different time. I don't look on it as regret or disdain, but instead with fondness and remembrance. I enjoy my past, no matter how checkered it was, because it made the person sitting here writing this blog, and he is a decent man.

One of the reasons I was on this train of thought is because of reconnecting with my past friends over the last few weeks. I saw Bill last Sunday, and I am flying out to Washington State on Thursday to see my first girlfriend, the one I blogged about a few blogs back. To me, she has an amazing life, and I am awe struck by not only the success she has had in life, but in who it appears she has become as a woman. She is in dressage, and is training her horse currently in the sport. I remember watching a video of it a little over a year ago and thinking to myself "what is the big deal, it is just a horse running in place". The person showing me the video was awestruck by the horse, the ability for it to move gracefully and the control the horse had. At the time I just shrugged it off not understanding what was actually going on. I now am starting to see what that person was talking about, and just how amazing these animals are. Well, this weekend, I get to see first hand the training, and effort that goes into a dressage horse, and why it takes literally years of practice to get a horse ready to compete at a top level. It is something new in life I am being exposed to, and I love it!

As one doorway in life closes, another opens up. What at one point in my life was a passing thought becomes an interest and something I could learn a lot about. If it was not for the mistakes and tragedies I have both made and gone through in life, I would not be where I am today, and I am at a point where I am finally proud of the man I have become. The mistakes which were made by an immature, and sometimes deviant Mike, have made me the Michael I am today. There are many people to thank for who I have become, and for who I am as a man. I can only thank those people in passing, and hope they see the Michael in me, and not the Mike I was. Michael is who I see when I look in the mirror, he is who I see when I look from the outside in. I am the person today because of making the mistakes throughout my life and learning from them. There is no tragedy in screwing up, the only tragedy is from screwing up and not learning your lesson.

Peace,
Michael